Wisdom and Words

Wisdom and words were my cry to God on my way home Monday. I have a new route home since we moved in December, it's quite nice actually. Good scenic time to enjoy Gods beauty of nature. I have an 11 year old son, so you can understand my prayer for wisdom and words. I grew up surrounded by sisters, I have a younger brother, but I was a mom before he hit puberty! I have had my seat belt on for about a year now, and boy have we been for a ride! I have been on my knees hard since 6th grade began. I am in 6th grade you know- it's harder than I remember!

I have a handsome, smart, funny, outgoing, giving, spiritual son who really loves his momma-- we have just hit the phase with our oldest. I thought it would come later, in my mind I have been putting all of this off like it wouldn't come. We already had "the talk" with him, we have have the drug talk, we've learned the guilty by association bad friends lessons, we have had daddy's call us to report that our son is not to call their house again ever for like 5 years!! It just hits like a ton of bricks one day and you hear the crack in his voice and that "boy" smell in his room, stinky shoes, ugh! He's a pre-teen. He will be 12 in May, and I never want it to come. He has so much potential, he just doesn't quite know how to tap into it. I really don't know how to teach it either. I have to be honest, I have no idea what I'm doing and I'm going, "ok Lord, help, please." He is so moody, attitudy and emotional- traits from me, but none the less - I'm not used to the ricochet effect. I see so much of me in him and God has revealed much, I mean ALOT to me about myself through my lessons with Tyler this year. I feel like I just need more time to make things right. I have robbed my sons of my full potential. I have maybe 30 minutes in the morning, and about 3 hours in the evening. That's not enough time for me to be momma. I can't get it all done, have my quiet time with the Lord, bond with my boys, and my husband. Sometimes I feel like just a passerby in this home God gave us. This is not just something you give up on, you keep working towards doing better, crunching the time, cutting corners to make up for other things.

I am learning how to muddle through all of this with God's help. I honestly don't know where I would be without my Lord. He gives me peace when I'm falling to pieces! Monday when I found out Tyler didn't do what he was supposed to do at school, I had a mini meltdown inside. This is a constant battle with him, I haven't figured out if it's an attention problem, a will issue, or an attitude problem. I can be a control freak, so I have let go of the fact that I can do everything for my kids. I cannot do their school work and I cannot make them do it when I am not with them. I can't make them choose the right path even though I've paved the road and printed a map-quest. I cannot make them not have the hots for girls, I can't make an 11 yr and an 8 yr old not fight over everything & anything. I have to accept the fact that I can only be an example and show and tell what is right and good by God and leave it in HIS hands. Trusting in the Lord, leaning not to my own understanding. It's really all I have time to do anyway. So Lord give me wisdom and words to speak.